hot pockets...

Last night Jordan and I got to go see Jim Gaffigan at the Comerica (previously dodge) theater.

I was excited to see Gaffigan live because I had been following him as a comic even before he had Comedy Central Specials or Cd's. His timing and delivery are classic.

This was a show with all new material, which is probably why the security told everyone at the door " no pictures or video, not even on your cell phone". There was one opening act by a comic named Jordan Rubin. He had an interesting style. He would pause in between his jokes to make it seem like he forgot what he was going to say and it would make the next punchline seem random, but it all came together. He had a good joke that hit well with the audience about the rapper Mystikal. He did a good job of warming up the crowd for Gaffigan.

Gaffigan's act did not disappoint for the long time fans and roped in new fans. The main focus of his act was about working out (or lack there of), the gym, the glory and disgust of McDonald's, the facade that is Subway, hotel living and hotel indoor pools, and whales. It seems like a far leap from talking about the creepy guy who stares at the women on the hip abductor machines to whale blubber but it flowed seamlessly. The show kept the audience engaged and laughing in hysterics. It was a well timed show, lasting about an hour and half. Gaffigan left the stage and the audience cheered for an encore and without disappointment, he came out and gave the crowd what they wanted to hear....the hot pockets skit. He added new some material to the older, adored jokes about the microwave favorite. He even threw in a shout out to bacon, which was a big focus in his last special "King Baby"; it was subtle but it got a big reaction.

As a long time fan, I loved his new stuff. Jordan made a good observation about how, for the most part, his act is pretty clean as far as comics nowadays goes. Even though it isn't packed full of swear words and filth, his jokes are relatable and hilarious. I'll watch this special over and over again when it comes out on cable.

as we get ready for the holidays....

i can't believe that it is almost the end of the year already. thanksgiving is nearly here which means that the "holiday rush" will be quickly upon us. looking back on the year, it has been a very crazy year for us. work, jordan changing jobs, me having surgery twice this year, a camera crew in our house, dylan turning one, landon turning three, and most recently landon's surgery.....breathe....

almost all a blur of chaos.

thinking about all, it really puts some overly consumed, commercially brainwashed yuletide shoppers into perspective. this year, i really find myself a little peeved at the fact that christmas is being shoved down our throats, starting the week of halloween. i used to remember how there was a building of anticipation about christmas. as turkey day came to close with full tummies and football, your mind started to wonder, thinking about picking out a tree and decorating the house. the black friday shoppers would get up, fuel themselves with starbucks and pepsi and the rest of us would be enjoying a leisurely three day weekend (if we were lucky to have friday off). then the christmas season began; holiday parties, ugly sweaters making their way out of the very back of the closet, lists were created for Santa.....it used to be a month long production. as the days windled down, the house would smell like pine and apples and cinnamon and the kids would be on th every beset behavior so as not to blow their chance at getting gifts at the last minute. family traditions would take place. pajamas and cookies christmas eve, opening just one present to tide you over til morning., parents up all night wrapping gifts, enjoying the silence......then it was here.....joy, prayers, blessings, breakfast, presents, love, food...it was all intertwined and it was something to be cherished.

maybe it is the current state of the economy that is making such a push in the red and green direction...retailers desperate to make those end of year goals....but the commercial part of christmas is really being over commercialized to the point of being obnoxious. the lists have already been drawn up, the shopping has already began and in some cases ended, people have already began to stress about the crowds, the lines, the lack of supply for demand.....i might sound a

little beyond my years but i miss the slower simpler times.

this year, for us, it will be about much more than gift cards and presents. we are going to make it about family, about spirit, appreciating the real reason we get this holiday to begin with, the gift and that was given to the world. that will be my job this year....not running around like a mad person off their meds looking for the toy that sold out a month ago...but instilling these important values in my kids.

happy start to the holidays all! may it be a safe and merry one for you

get a life...

with the intense topic and subject matter of the show, people are bound to form some opions. everyone is entitled to what they think and can say..but some people should keep their mouths shut and their hands off their keyboards.
some of the message boards and the articles are portraying women and men with eating disorders as attention starved head cases that should just shove a hamburger down their throat and get it over with. well i took it upon myself to stick it to a guy that, really, had no place posting what he did.

"nickcini, Bravo for managing to spit such hate about people you've never met and spell 50% of it correctly. People suffering from (your spelling) anerexia and other very serious disorders are more complex than you make us out to be. If you took all the energy you spent seeking out a website about people with eating disorders, watching a youtube clip, searching for the show's website, and then making some uneducated responses in a message forum, odds are you wouldn't be the one desperatly seeking some attention and instead, contributing something productive to society. My guess is that you are somehow suffering from your own form a disease that you don't understand because you are two busy pointing fingers at others. Don't talk about adding fuel to a fire with this kind of show when you are the one openly offering your judgemental opinions; those are the kindling to the flames. These women and men are brave, courageous and deep...they are troubled, suffering, and some really want the help...and who are you to say that they aren't really sick? My recommendation to you is that before you begin dabbling in physiological illness, behaviors, and treatments, you check your immaturity at the door or no one will take you seriously, not that many will with your childish name calling and bullying..I also recommend spell check"

as most of you might know.....

....our family was participating in a documentary series with the E channel about the treatment of eating disorders. If you didn't know, I am trying to recover from a long spanning intertwined combination of OCD, annorexia and body dismorphia. I did the show so people could really identify and come to terms with their own struggles, try to help someone get help for themselves.

If anyone has any questions for me about anything....me, eating disorders in general, what the show is about, anything...please ask. that is the point.

As for me, it's a work in progress. some days are easy and some are so difficult that I can't imagine at 6am how I'll make it through the day without breaking down and crawling into bed until the next morning. I have a great family, and a great group of friends, and a doctor and dietician that are skilled in their specialties and so we shall see what the future holds...hopefully this will all be a sad afterthought years from now because i'll be too happy being normal and enjoying life as it was meant to be cherished.

you think that its gonna be just another day when you get to work and sit at your desk to take calls and the you hear that a friend of yours won't be coming in to work..ever again. My friend mary died last night from a self inflicted gunshot wound..and just like that, a piece of this worl was gone. She was the sweetest, funniest person with a huge heart and a smile that would light up the room and as a team mate, she made the days a little bit better just talking with her. I saw her this week and we stopped and had a short conversation between calls and and bathroom trips and she made me smile and laugh and then we were on our way....and that short conversation about how busy it was and how the calls never stop was the last time we were going to chit chat. I was trying at work this morning after I heard to stay calm and strong and not let on..until I got up to go to the bathroom and walked right by her empty desk..and it was truly empy..she wouldn't be coming in to put her sweatshirt on and her headset. It was all just there....waiting for her. 
I always had heard that people who commit suicide prepare...give things away, clean up, tie up loose ends..this desk was unfinsihed business and left no indication that she was not returning to it. 
it was so unexpected...
as someone who once tried and thought about suicide in my youthful days, when I didn't and couldn't see the value of life, I shutter now to think what I would have missed had I been successful. I saw the hurting in peoples faces today and saw them wipe their tears and I would hate to think I had caused such a deep rooted pain in someone...your heart actually hurts.I can only imagine how her family must feel because I have the pleasure of knowing some of her friends and they have an abundance of love and they are suffering the loss...her family must be too at such an incredible level..  I said a prayer for mary and her family and friends and I hope heavenly father hears it and grants us comfort and one day, we'll understand why that day..at that moment she felt she had to leave. I hope mary has some peace now and surrounded with love and receives the love lofting from the earth.

dylan's 9 months old

my little tank is 9 months old today. it's hard to believe. he's old as the time it took to make him and he's so different than that little boy i met that first day.
although is pretty relaxed and chill most of the time, he is also the squirmiest baby ever! it is impossible to change him or change his clothes or get him to lay flat on his back for more than a second. he's hard to hold because he moves so much..plus, he's kind of heavy. we went to his 9 mth check up and he weighs 18.2 pounds, down a little from last time because he is more active now.
he crawls really fast and he pulls himseld up to stand. a couple days ago he figured out that standing leads to walking when he's holding onto something. landon walked at 10 months so i won't be surprised if he starts taking off pretty soon.
he still doesn't sleep all the way through the night and that is still really rough...on me..it doesn't seem to bother him.
he has the best laugh!! it's like a squeaky toy, just like how landon's used to be. he laughs a lot and mostly at landon..his brother tries to make him smile all of the time, well, most of the time.
his allergies are still a big problem and he breaks out in rashes, hives, runny noses and we are trying to keep in managed well but sometimes, nothing helps except taking him inside and giving him a breathing treatment and some zyrtec. poor baby.
he babbles and says 'mummum' and 'dada' and 'bubba' which is adorable and hard to resist picking him up when he's tugging on your leg. he loved having our family come to visit over the last couple of months and really loves his uncle kyle, just like his brother.

speaking of...

landon has been a handful lately. as he gets to the three year old mark he is getting more and more verbal and that is so fantastic considering his delay and hearing problems but at the same time, he says the things you don't want to hear...."no" and different variations of "no". it's so frustrating. he says "no" even to the things he does want sometimes. he is so curious and adventurous and it leads to lots of bumps and bruises. as for his health, he seems to be improving. we stopped taking him to all the doctors, took him off all the medicine and have making sure he gets some sleep, eats well, and gets lots of healthy exercise. even though he makes me crazy, he is the light of my life! he says "i love you. i missed you" and all the things that melt your heart. he loves to say prayers and is really good at reminding us to say them at dinner and breakfast. he is really athletic and is getting better with his coordination. i can't wait for him to be able to play organized sports!! it's gonna be awesome!

these boys...they are so much work and they take some much out of me but they give me so much at the same time...how this is possible, i don't know and i probably never will know. maybe we have some kind of solar rechargeable mom battery implanted in our bodies somewhere....it sure isn't sleep or laundry that keep us going so that must be some explaination.

so long 25

there is always that one person around your birthday that asks that same question, and i dread it every year......."so are you where you thought you'd be at 26?" i always wonder at what age this expectation was set at....am i where i thought i'd be at 26 when i was 10? 15? 25? so vague. the answer in the broad sense of the word is yes and no.

when i was seven, all i wanted to be when i grew up was a mommy...accomplished.

when i was age 8-25 all i wanted to be was a writer.....failed...i have all of these things that i have written and they are sitting around, collecting dust, benefiting no one. i always thought by now i'd be a moderatly successful writer, by which i mean that someone else than my mom owned a copy of something i'd wrote. bless her though that if i did and it made it to barnes and noble, she'd buy like 10 copies and have me sign them all. i never anticpated to become some famous writer, that people discussed in small book clubs over cucumber sandwiches but a mere positive review in a regional newspaper somewhere would have sufficed. i wish so badly that this could be something i could full time on....tracking down publishers, illustrators, and getting carpal tunnel syndrome from typing all day...sigh..i guess this is a new year.

when i was 22, i wanted to be wedding gown skinny my whole life..failed as a result of previously mentioned motherhood...i'll admit that for my age and for having two kids so close together the damage could have been worse but the damage has certainly been done

my whole life i wanted to be married...accomplished...one of the best things about my life

when i was 16 i said one day i'd find religion...accomplished...bringing great joy and blessings to our life right now

when i was 4 i said i wanted to be princess...failed...i am neither girly enough to be a princess or fictional

when i was 13 i swore i'd keep the best of my friends close my whole life...accomplished with shades of gray...i love and adore the ones i have and trying to make things better with the friends i had or am gaining

when i was 18 i said i'd get a college degree....failed, sort of...still in the works....longest associate's degree attempt ever

in all this reflection i realize that where i am is where i am and the age associated with it is going to change every year. all i can do is set the smaller goals..so next year, when that person asks me again, i'll say, "when i was 26, i said next year i'll be 27 and the rest is already in the past..all i can do is try and ask me when i'm 28"

TMI maybe but....

...the dunn baby making factory, which was taken over by new management i.e. big huge, precancerous masses, has been shut down for the season.

After the surgery, I had a follow up visit with my doctor and he said that...and this is the part where it might be TMI but several people have asked me about it soo.......my ovaries aren't functioning like they should be. the normal egg follicle that populates every 28 days or so is instead growing into a huge cyst, which becomes a mass after 3 cm and it's extremely painful. during the surgery, 4 of them were removed. At my two week visit, I was already stricken by another one about 3cm in size...can't get a break!

What the doctor is doing is shutting down the egg production, letting everything settle and quiet down for awhile and then in 6 months or so, we'll kick start them up again. the hope is that they will react normally. here's hoping! if it doesn't work and it causes more problems, constant surgeries or trips to the ER, than they will have to come out entirely.

I was really sad when I heard the news and relieved at the same time...at least it wasn't the worse possible news...cancer or something terrible like that .... but it's upsetting to know that things aren't working properly and that my body turned on itself. I think it likes to be at the hospital....all that cleanliness and hypoallergenic everything and the good cubed ice...but i hate it. so for now, we're going to "wait and see" which is quickly becoming the catch phrase for everything in my life right now.

I was kidding around with my friend kami and told her "i'll be back just in time for the next baby"..meaning that dylan will be a year old by than which is when some people start wanting another baby...i was kidding, kind of...we're going to see what type of new toddler disposition dylan has first, and we're waiting to see if landon will ever learn how to use a quiet voice and that he doesn't have to run everywhere.

it's been awhile...

goodness...it has been quite some time since my last blog..i didn't realize it..i've been updating our "status" and giving information on my facebook page but it's just snippets of what's going on with us.

where to begin?

well, we'll start with our ever growing frustration with landon's medical condition. after a second bronchoscopy at the children's hospital, they discovered that this wait and see approach they have been taking has been just that..a waiting game with no result. landon has a congenital form of the defect which after two years of poking, proding, doctor after doctor they are just now figuring out. the treatment plan of action....shocking...wait and see...the doctors think that landon will eventually outgrow it as his trachea gets more mature. for the meantime, landon will continue to struggle with his breathing, keep getting sick, and continue to br treated different than all the other kids...especially at daycare.. the parents are always on high alert for the corprut for the latest strain of whatever is going on..they hear landon's barky cough, maybe see him choke or throw up (not acutal vomit, contents of his stomach but fluid all the same) and the jump to their own conculsions..for awhile there, landon kept being accused of carrying the pandemic swine flu..oh brother...that was a fun few weeks. in other regards, landon is doing well. he is starting to talk a lot and sometimes, it's a good thing and other times..we kind of wish he still didn't talk. he hasn't mastered the concept of being subtle about his asking for things..he will ask you for juice 50 times in a row, no exaggeration. he is starting to have an interest in potty trainging which we are excited about. he has had some successes and it's a work in progress. he is sleeping in his own big boy bed now and does well most of the time..every once in awhile he ends up in our bed in the middle of the night.

dylan is a happy tank of a little boy. he is so delightful and such a wonderful addition to our little family. he is starting to be really expressive and he has the best little laugh. he still isn't sleeping through the night which is frustrating but it is because he was so congested at night. i have a theory that he is suffering from allergies....we've been trying to mimimalize his exposure to the dogs and cat and that has been helping, with small doses of benadryl when he really needs it...when i presented my information to the doctor, he said, "you made a compelling case"...i didn't realize i needed to take that approach to my child's healthcare in order to be listened to but in our experiences with the healthcare field, i guess the best thing for a parent to do is become educated and then present the best case for treatment...anyway..dylan is rolling over and trying to crawl, it's more like bodysurfing...he can sit for a little bit unsupported and he plays with toys. we are starting solid foods but he is a big fan of his bottle.

jordan has been doing well. right now, he is designing the map for our backyard as we venture into landscaping it. this will be the first house we've actually wanted to put in the time and effort and funds into doing....landon needs a yard...he is a liked a caged animal in the house all day; if he doesn't get out at least for a walk then he goes crazy. jordan is so smart..he has basically done the job of a landscape designer, with all the software and measurements...saved us a bunch i'm sure..work has been good for him and we're so thankful that in this economy he hasn't had to worry about losing his job. we just had his 28th birthday this month and it was a lot of fun. i planned a surprise party for him and all of his closest friends came and it was nice to see everyone. we got to see cara who lives close to us again but we hadn't seen yet and mark even drove in from california..it was awesome and he was really happy. we're looking forward to jordan's parents and sisters coming to visit..we can't wait!!

as for me, a lot has been happening. when i'm not racing from doctor's office to office with the boys, i'm having some medical issues myself...again! a pain began to develop in my abdomen and it wasn't going away, it just kept getting worse. finally, it got so intense that i couldn't take it anymore and went to the ER. they did a CAT scan and found a golf ball sized mass in my abdomen...great..at this point in time, we are waiting to find out what it is, if it will go away or if i need to have surgery again..the wait is killing me.. the pain was supposed to be subsiding with some medicine they gave me but it is actually getting worse. i fear that instead of improving, it's growing or even spreading..i tend to terrify myself by anticipating the worst possible scenario..at this point, i'm concerned that the surgery may require the extraction of other organs like my gallbladder or an ovary or my whole reproductive system, and as always, it is scary when your symptoms match up with signs for ovarian cancer...i'll just have to wait and see..i go to the doctor again on wednesday (if i don't end up in the ER again before that). the pain, little sleep, and my full time work schedule are really taking a toll on me...i'm trying to find some internal strength..which leads me into my next big development..

all my life, i was looking up, looking for a sign that there was someone up there, bigger than me, watching over me....i wasn't rasied in a religious home, we didn't go to church but i always had this faith..that i knew one day it was going to make sense and i would feel a void being filled..recently (after deliberation, debate, and some down right refusal at points in time) i've been meeting with the missionaries with the LDS church...jordan was raised in the church and for the last few years, i've been what they call a dry mormon (not baptized) in that we live the standards for the most part and go to church sometimes and have had our children blessed. jordan was inactive for the better part of a decade and when i told him that i wanted to take the discussions, i was delighted to hear that he wanted to sit in and take them with me..a refreshed course for him and although i knew a lot about the church, there was so much more to find out. we've been attending church on sundays, visiting with the missionaries and also meeting other families in our ward and our neighborhood...it was been an amazing sense of belonging for us...one of the best things is that everyone has kids our kids ages and they have lots of kids to play with and we don't ever feel like we have to make an excuse for them because no one seems them as an disruption...they just talk right over them and pretend that they aren't being loud or rude. a lot of quesitons have been answered for me and we've been really happy because we feel a lot closer together. there are some sad points in this trip though...realizing that the things i did and knew were wrong anyway are still weighing on me, that i have hurts that haven't been comforted yet and that there are people in our life that mean so much to us that we want to help and reach out to and know that we can't or it isn't the right time...i told my mom that i was thinking of joining the church which was huge for me because there was a lot of mumblings and grumblings from my extended family when they heard i was marrying a morman..she was so surprising in her understanding and supportivness....i really was nervous abouyt bringing it up to her and i'm so glad that she was receptive..she did have some questions which i answered to the best of my ability but i love her for being there for me always, no matter what...i told my dad (which i was even more nervous about) and he said that he would still love me but is wanting to have a more serious discussion than text messaging would allow for, which i can understand.
we've just been so thankful for so the chance to meet so many wonderful families and also to realize that we already had so many great examples in our life already in our friends the perrys, burninghams, and francis' and of course, my in laws. it's still a work in progress (as is a lot in our life right now) but it is a joyful work...

so that is pretty much our news for the first part of the new year...i'll try and be better about updating this thing..as i type, dylan is pounding away at the jeyboard and landon is running amuck in the bedroom. there is not a lot of time for leisurly writing but i'll try and sneak away more frequently..