Wednesday, May 20, 2009

patience doesn't apply to a fetus apparently

after another trip to the hospital monday evening, after several hours of painful contractions, i was sent home to be on bedrest some more. i thought i was doing pretty good. i wasn't up moving around but early that afternoon, i started having pain low in my abdomen. the baby has decided that this journey is going to be an uphill battle, rather than a leisurely stroll in the park. i was so looking forward to tuesday because that is when my bubba was coming home, but we made the decision for him to stay in washington a little longer so that i could continue to let my body settle down. it was a really hard decision to make but i know he is in the best care. my mother in law has been great about sending videos of hime and updating me about what he's doing during the day. i can hear his little chatter in the background when we talk on the phone. our house here is so quiet without him....and there is less to clean, which i guess is a good thing for my "situation".
as of today, we are at 26 weeks in this pregnancy. it is still early for him to come because of all the health risks so we're delaying him as much as possible. if we can just get to 36 weeks, that would be ideal. if he tries to come again despite our best efforts with the bedrest and the medicine they gave me, than i'll be a short term resident of the labor and delivery ward in the hospital under supervison. hopefully, that won't happen. keeping our fingers crossed because this sentence here in the house is bad enough.

Friday, May 15, 2009

not all it's cracked up to be

i am on my eigth day of bedrest and it is a lot harder than i ever anticipated. i feel like a house cat, laying around until you fall asleep and than just laying there after you wake up. it sounds like a good idea when you have a kid and a husband and house that is a huge job to clean and a full time job, but when it actually happens, it really makes you feel like you don't have a purpose. it's really lonely...especially because landon went to washington with kyle and he's been gone for two days now. i feel like i "shipped" him off but i know that he is having a lot of fun with jordan's family. he loves his grandma kathy!! at first, it was hard just thinking that he'd be away from me. it's strange that he is his own person now. i got really nervous on tuesday when we took them to the airport and i hugged him goodbye at the security checkpoint. i knew that he'd be in good hands with kyle because he is so good with him. landon loves his uncle kyle, they are buddies. when we got home, it was quiet and it was eerie. there weren't toys everywhere, there weren't sippy cups that needed to be rinsed out, and there wasn't a nighttime bath that needed to be done. it was just as it was before, when it was just me and jordan...and it made me miss landon even more.
there was a time where it was just me and jordan, after we moved out from having roommates and after we got married. our nights were spent lounging on the couch, watching movies and tv and our weekends were so laid back. we'd go grocery shopping or to a movie or to dinner. some people really miss the days of nothing, when you could sleep in and go to bed late after they have kids. i feel the opposite. i feel like our life got even better after we had landon. although it's messy and chaotic and tiresome we wouldn't want it any other way. we were having breakfast yesterday morning and it was just us, and something was missing.
today is really lonely. jordan is gone and so is landon and i'm not supposed to be up moving around so i am bored....i did however get up and clean some.....i actually am up more than i should be but bedrest is hard.
next week, i go back to the doctor and he might release me back to work part time and back to light duty which means i can clean and take care of landon when he comes back.....or he might sentence me to another two months of this torture....we'll see.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

happy mother's day

i always knew that i wanted to be a mom. when i six, in the first grade, we had to make a big poster board about ourselves and one of the questions was "what to do you want to be when you grow up?" i wrote "a mommy". as i got older, i still had that desire and i was afraid at one point even that i had lost my maternal drive. a trip to babies r us for a gift for my best friend suzi ended with me in tears, sobbing the car about the overwhelming lack of knowledge i had about kids. i knew i wanted to be a mom again when i met my (then boyfriend) jordan and he talked about how we would have kids and we'd be soccer sideline parents and have lazy sunday mornings together. when i was pregnant with landon, i searched the internet for everything mommy to get my bearings beneth me before this human came into our lives. then he came and it was an amazing rush of everything i had ever wanted when he looked at me for the first time. he didn't care what brand diapers i decided to use and he didn't know that i was a foreigner in the baby department..all he knew was i was his mom and that he loved me. mother's day, although some think it just a commercial holiday created by teleflora and sees candy, is the day when us moms get to celebrate those moments....the ones that steal our hearts and consume us in love. the first time you heard your baby say "momma" (regardless of the fact that "dada" propbably came first), the times when they fall asleep on you, cuddle, hug, blow kisses, and smile. without them, we wouldn't get this day. it's a day to celebrate them, and your husband/partner, as much as it is a celebration of you and all you do as a mom.
this morning, my wonderful husband brought me breakfast in bed...and not just because i'm on bedrest......he made crepes from scratch and they were so delicious. we all just got to spend the day together. one of the best things about being a mom, is looking at your husband and son sitting together. they are the best of buddies and landon has been a gift to me, but it is also a gift to jordan....his day is next month :) we went out (for a short time and we didn't walk around much) for ice cream. it was a good day. landon, my lovely son, was a joy for the first part of the day and a monster the second half, only to turn his bubba charm back on right after dinner until bedtime. jekyl and hide with that boy sometimes. at the end of the day, when it was time for bed, he walked with me to bed and i picked him up to put him into his crib and he laid his head on my shoulder and hugged me. he didn't say anything and he didn't have was the perfect silent "i love you mommy" moment. i held him for a minute, rocked him and watched as his little blue eyes grew drowsy. now, jordan and i get to hang out and enjoy the quiet for a few hours before bed (few hours for him, i'll probably be alseep in ten minutes). i can feel this new baby kicking around and although i've felt like a prisoner for the last couple of days and have one more full day to go, i'm full of love for him and all the joy he'll bring to our family.
on mothers day, it is only fair to take the time to appreciate the other moms who have paved the way for you, inspired you, continue to inspire you. i'm am so lucky to have a whole lot of moms who mean the world to me. my own mom, of course, who i would be lost without. she's the person i want to call to talk about everything and nothing with. she's so strong and right now, she's enduring quite a challenge and i hope that she can keep her sanity and make it through this tough time. my mother in law is a superhero, as far as i'm concerned. she has every element of a mother and i admire her immensely. she has been a very strong influence in our lives and i'm so lucky to have her. my mom friends suzi, jenna, anne, and jessica are some of the best moms you'd ever want to know. they have so much love and can learn from them and laugh with them, which is important when you've had no sleep and you're four loads deep in laundry that needs to be put away.
this mothers day, i am especially in awe of my friend kami. she is nearing the end of her pregnancy with little miss kamryn, who we all can't wait to meet. she works a crazy schedule, barely gets to see her husband, and is raising a four year old boy kade, who is my buddy. kami had a hard year last year when she lost her son kooper. throughout this year, she has really impressed me with her strengh and her faith. her connection with God is something to be envious of and it is could only hope to have her inner strength and unconditional love. i hope that she knows what a hero of mine she is and how i look to her as an example.
so for all you moms out there, i hope you had a wonderful day today. i know that i did and it's coming to an end but i know that today isn't about the breakfast, the presents, the night out...its about the moments that happen everyday that remind you how blessed you are to have been given the chance to create a life...and to have that person (or people) love you for you everyday of the year.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

bailing early...

so far, this pregnancy has been pretty uneventful...and i guess the little guy inside felt it was time to shake things up alittle bit.
on tuesday at work, i started feeling some contractions. i chalked it up to braxton hicks and didn't think much of it. later that night, the contractions started to get worse and painful and made it hard to breathe. i of course did what i always do when i'm not sure if something is or isn't wrong, i called my mom, my mother in law and consulted webmd. apparently. painful contractions aren't the norm this early in the pregnancy. as of wednesday, i'm only 24 weeks along. per the advice of my materal elders, i called the doctor in the morning and asked for his opinion. much to my surprise, they told me to come in right away and be seen in the labor and delivery triage ward. needless to say it wasn't the day i planned. i arrived at work, clocked in, and clocked right back out to head to the hospital. when i got there, they hooked me up to the monitors, one for me and one for the baby to track his heartbeat. the baby's heartbeat was good, steady. my montior was full of peaks and valleys, tracing the strengh and frequency of my contractions. my nurse told me that these weren't the dry run contractions i was used late in my previous pregnancy, these were the real thing....and they were unwelcome. they gave me two rounds of what they call the "stop shot" which is a medicine meant to slow the contractions. this shot made me feel like i chugged a gallon of mountain dew in a matter of seconds. my whole body was shaking and i was really warm. after the two rounds of the shots (which i did well with, no panic attack which i was proud of) they gave me another medicine which is a muscle relaxer also used to treat cardiac conditions. the nurse told me they'd have to do any exam, which was less than thrilling. during the exam, she discovered that these premature contractions were actually working and i was begining to dialte and eface. after some debate, my doctor decided to let me go home but only i was on bedrest and then come back and see him in the morning.
as i drove home, i was overwhelmed with the thought that my body, the vessel that was growing this human, was now trying to end it's term of purpose early. what would happen? "it's too early: is all i kept thinking.
i slap myself on the wrist now for doing it, but when i got home, i googled "preterm labor" and read about it from several different sites....all terrifying. baby could be born with short term and long term defects, have to live in the intensive care unit for months, and worse, not survive the birth or die shortly after. i didn't sleep all last night as i felt him moving around and wondering how i could make it so those kicks could one day find their way to a soccer ball in the backyard with his big brother.
this morning, i went to the doctor again. i sat in the waiting room looking at all the different stages of pregnant women and i wondered if they could see the worry on my face; how unsure i was that my tummy would even have the chance to grow big enough to block the view of my feet.
my doctor, a wonderful and caring man, asked me what was going on. we talked about how dangerous it was to go into labor at this point in the pregnancy and how we could delay this boy's arrival. he did another exam, again not the highlight of my day, and it wasn't good news...i had dialted a little more and my body was getting ready to have this baby. my heart sunk. he ordered me to stirct bedrest for the next few days and over the weekend....and he meant strict. nothing but bathroom trips, a shower a day, and food runs to the kitchen for me. this wasn't easy news for me to swallow. i'd have to be off work for a few days, maybe for the next few months. i'd have to sit around all day and not be able to clean, to do laundry, or to play with landon. i'd be sidelined.
so i headed home after stopping by work to explain my plight, and i passed target and thought "til we are able to meet again friend". with the new baby on the way, if this continued down the same path, i wouldn't be doing any shopping for awhile. it was even made clear that if i didn't heed the warning of the doctor and stay rested, than i'd be admitted to the hospital for the next three months. thanks heavens for the internet is 24 hours.
so as i sit here, my first day on bedrest of (right now) 5, i'm already bored and hot and wanting to get up and move around. i feel terribly guilty as landon's mommy right now. he doesn't understand why i can't get up and get him snacks or play around with him or go to the park (if it was cool enough). luckily jordan is here and i'm making sure that if i need something, i'm asking nicely and saying please and thank you....i don't want him to think i'm taking advantage of him or make him resent me. for the next 5 days, it's me and the couch or me and bed and hopefully, next time we go to the doctor on tuesday, he'll have good news.
what am i going to do for the next 5 days? i'm going to surf the internet, read, try to sleep, and try not to panic as i try to convince this newcomer that he is in fact trying to bail early and it's not in his best interest. wish me luck! you'll probably see a jack nicholson type blog later this walking and no cleaning and bedrest make nickey go crazy...