back to work

today, i had to go back to work. i've been on leave to have and recover from surgery and although it was no vacation, it was so nice to have that time with jordan and especially with landon. he and i had so much fun together. spending that time together was priceless. i realized just how much of his day i'm missing when i'm a work. between the commute and my actual work day, we have only a few true, quality hours together. i miss his snacks and his new tricks, like pointing. i miss hugs and laughs. i felt like crying all the way to work as i drove in alone today. i was leaving a par of me at home and i felt a pull getting stronger the more miles i put between me and home. i'd always thought i'd be a stay at home mom; carting the kids to playdates and baking cookies, enjoying more of the mess in the process then the result. i wanted to enjoy the nap time cuddles and greet my bread winnind husband at the door, child on hip. i essentially wanted to be a wife in the fifties. i even wanted to sport the apron, even though i know i really don't cook anything. it was appealing....if you look past oppressed women rights and young mothers with drinking problems. realistically, we're in a society to live to work, not work to live. jordan and i got used to our life when it was just our life...maybe at one point before we bought our current house we could have kept it small scaled and i could've stayed home and raised our adorable son.....maybe, could've, would've are no good now. now, i have a job, jordan has a job and we have a son to support. i like the company i work for and the benefits have allowed landon and i to be as sick as we could possibly be affordably. i just wish it were different. i would even settle for part time.
what i would really want, what would be ideal would be to work part time, stay home with landon, sell my writing to make up for the lack of time spent behind the desk, and live off the salary of my husband's sports statistics job. it would be a win win life; i'd still be making money, doing what i love (writing), staying home with my mess maker, and jordan would be ranking nba players on their missed free throws and rebounds. to make it truly ideal, our family would live nearby and we would have big family dinners every sunday night and we'd play board games and drink coco....very currier and ives. we'd all take family pictures in delightfully cheesy matching sweaters and have picnics in the park. again, the fifties weren't so bad for moms, right? just avoid the nip of scotch after supper.
for now, i'll plug away at a 9-5 pace and try to keep the perm-a-smile going as i do it....all along knowing that we are capable of more love if we just have more time...and more money would help too